Due to a feeling of physical endangerment experienced after seeing Mr Ron Mark on the news, I shelved this letter while waiting to see how Winston's fraud case panned out. Now that it seems everything's worked out for the best, we're proud to reveal that we were behind you every step of the way Winston!
Dear Mr Peters,
Firstly, on behalf of the Lawrence Party, I would like to offer you our full support during what must be a very distressing time. Even if you are convicted of fraud, which we are sure you will not, the Lawrence Party still offers its unconditional support, as it is a very silly law. I’d hesitate even to dignify it with the title, a sentiment I’m sure you’d join with us in wholeheartedly.
You may not as yet be aware of our political organization, the Lawrence Party, but it is our firm belief that through focussed campaigning, the roguish personal magnetism of our leader, and a chameleon-like ability to form our policies in a fashion that allows them to resemble the policies of the party with the most votes, we will have the democratic right to form a government come November.
You may recognise these qualities Mr Peters, because it is you who are our inspiration, and it is for this reason that we are delighted to offer you another route into government, through a confidence and supply agreement with the Lawrence Party.
Given John Key’s foolhardy, and frankly, downright rude, decision to rule out working with you in a hypothetical (and now almost certainly doomed) government, we felt it was only right to offer you this sense of hope, as testament to the sense of hope you have offered to the people of Tauranga, to the aged, and to the oft-forgotten xenophobic community, who tragically represent the neglected corners of New Zealand’s strained mental health and education systems. You have not forgotten these most wretched of New Zealanders, and we have not forgotten you Mr Peters.
Kia kaha Winston. If they put you away, the Lawrence Party will devote every waking breath to letting the world know that you are a political prisoner; not just an Ahmed Zaoui either, but at least an Aung San Kuu Kyi, if not a Nelson Mandela.
Otherwise, I, and the others on our increasingly vibrant looking party list, look forward to the chance of together changing the face of New Zealand for the better, from our plum spots around the Cabinet table.