Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Embargoed letter to Winston Peters.

Due to a feeling of physical endangerment experienced after seeing Mr Ron Mark on the news, I shelved this letter while waiting to see how Winston's fraud case panned out. Now that it seems everything's worked out for the best, we're proud to reveal that we were behind you every step of the way Winston!

Dear Mr Peters,

Firstly, on behalf of the Lawrence Party, I would like to offer you our full support during what must be a very distressing time. Even if you are convicted of fraud, which we are sure you will not, the Lawrence Party still offers its unconditional support, as it is a very silly law. I’d hesitate even to dignify it with the title, a sentiment I’m sure you’d join with us in wholeheartedly.

You may not as yet be aware of our political organization, the Lawrence Party, but it is our firm belief that through focussed campaigning, the roguish personal magnetism of our leader, and a chameleon-like ability to form our policies in a fashion that allows them to resemble the policies of the party with the most votes, we will have the democratic right to form a government come November.

You may recognise these qualities Mr Peters, because it is you who are our inspiration, and it is for this reason that we are delighted to offer you another route into government, through a confidence and supply agreement with the Lawrence Party.

Given John Key’s foolhardy, and frankly, downright rude, decision to rule out working with you in a hypothetical (and now almost certainly doomed) government, we felt it was only right to offer you this sense of hope, as testament to the sense of hope you have offered to the people of Tauranga, to the aged, and to the oft-forgotten xenophobic community, who tragically represent the neglected corners of New Zealand’s strained mental health and education systems. You have not forgotten these most wretched of New Zealanders, and we have not forgotten you Mr Peters.

Kia kaha Winston. If they put you away, the Lawrence Party will devote every waking breath to letting the world know that you are a political prisoner; not just an Ahmed Zaoui either, but at least an Aung San Kuu Kyi, if not a Nelson Mandela.

Otherwise, I, and the others on our increasingly vibrant looking party list, look forward to the chance of together changing the face of New Zealand for the better, from our plum spots around the Cabinet table.

Yours sincerely,

Lawrence Arabia.

Wednesday, 24 September 2008

Lawrence Party launches new campaign direction with inspirational video.

After last week’s disappointing campaign launch experience, the Lawrence Party has convened a relaxed think tank this week in Auckland, to get the Lawrence campaign kicked off in a more chilled-out manner than the admittedly slightly overbearing Tauranga blimp fiasco.

During a long series of video Skype sessions with urban Maori elders, Facebook chat sessions with high school students around the country, a fantastic afternoon “repar-tea” with the wonderful women from the La Leche League Newmarket Branch, and a hilarious evening spent with the Mad Butcher and the entire Warriors squad, the Lawrence Party began to draw together the threads of the new campaign strategy.

A campaign strategy that we believe will throw into stark relief just how out of touch with mainstream New Zealand all the other parties really are...

Inaugurating a new era of pragmatic populism in New Zealand politics, through the medium of song and inspirational images, the Lawrence Party presents its campaign launch video, directed by Stephen Ballantyne, the Leni Riefenstahl of New Zealand political film making.

Featuring the irrepressible sex appeal of the Lawrence Party’s Angry Young Men, “The Beautiful Young Crew,” as they will come to be known in future generations, the video presents a bold aesthetic, a vision for the 21st Century that is invigorating and dynamic, like grapefruit juice, or the exciting, sophisticated scent of Blue Stratos.

Friday, 19 September 2008

Lawrence Party Campaign Launch Postponed

The Lawrence Party regrets the postponement of the Tauranga campaign launch today, due to adverse weather conditions blowing our blimp off course.

A strong south-easterly wind made it very difficult to launch the blimp and once in the air, it became obvious that the blimp did not have the horsepower to make it all the way to Tauranga.

The blimp made a forced landing in Epsom, where party leader Lawrence Arabia had to perform emergency CPR on a middle-aged woman upon whom the blimp came to rest. When the woman was successfully resuscitated, the party caucus took refuge in a local cafe where they ate muffins for several hours.

In light of NZ First's resurgent fortunes at the polls and their leader still roaming the streets of Tauranga like some violent sexual pitbull, the Lawrence Party are now re-examining their Tauranga, and indeed their whole election, strategy.

Look out for an announcement tomorrow.

Thursday, 18 September 2008

Campaign launch

Returning today from a fifteen day silent retreat in Kumeu, I was alarmed to discover that the Prime Minister has set a date for the election, November 8. This is pretty soon!

Now, the disbelievers among you, of which there are many, have been saying that the Lawrence Party are too late out of the blocks, still wearing short trousers and knee high to a grasshopper. Well where I come from they breed some bloody big grasshoppers. When I was a young working class lad on the Canterbury Plains, we used to have to go out into the fields, convulsing with fear and disgust, and sprinkle Derris Dust onto the foul wing├ęd beasts.

I still harbour a great deal of respect and affection for the humble cocky, backbone of the nation, but it was on that day, as dozens of enormous grasshoppers crawled over my clammy flesh while I lay sobbing among the lucerne that I vowed never to set foot outside of the four main centres.

It is a vow that I will keep until tomorrow, when we launch our campaign in Tauranga, one of the vile, grasshopper infested rural backwaters that I’ve spent my entire life trying to avoid.

The reason for this location is pure expediency and opportunism. With Winston probably banged up in solitary confinement at Paremoremo by then, with only his various cabinet portfolios to keep him company, the Lawrence Party sees a clear opportunity to fill a vacuum.

One of this party’s great strengths is its command of symbolism; the metaphorical, the metaphysical, the visual; the empty gesture if you will. Tomorrow, we intend to hit the venerable citizens of Tauranga with a historically pointless display. Descending from a blimp tethered to Mount Maunganui, we’re going to greet the citizens of Tauranga on the beach much in the manner of Governor Grey, hoping not to be made to sing songs from the 1930s, or stabbed. We will then invite the delightfully quaint Taurangans to ascend a rope ladder or wheelchair lift up into the blimp, where they will be shown a fifteen minute PowerPoint presentation on our vision for the future, which they will be fucking impressed with.

We will then ask the elderly Tauranga-ites to leave the blimp, first politely, then forcefully. Any remaining as we begin our long journey back to Auckland will be fed to the sharks.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow!

Wednesday, 3 September 2008


No political organization is born fully formed. Inevitably, there must be a gradual maturation: through discussion, through mistakes made, through hard experience, through listening to the lessons of one’s peers and elders.

In the polls this week, there have been some negative trends, which can only be attributed to our lack of maturity. A perception of political un-roadworthiness; that this may not be a juggernaut at all, rather some rusty old Morris Minor chassis with a tree growing through it, or to return to the original analogy, a tricycle, ridden by a politically inexperienced toddler.

On this day therefore, the Lawrence Party is drawing the proverbial line in the metaphorical sand, and establishing once and for all its status as the very epitome of political credibility and maturity – by announcing that we will have policies.

In broad brushstrokes, our policy framework, platform, whatever you want to call it, can be summed up by this bold, simple phrase:
“The party is over.”

Rich and enticing, these four words represent the cultural diversity of our nation, the inseparable relationship between land and sea, the taonga that is our intellectual and cultural capital, and our respect for the natural forces which have shaped these beautiful but brutal isles.

“The party is over.” But the campaign has just begun.

Sunday, 31 August 2008

Lawrence Arabia considering less masculine look!

With all the furore over the smacking referendum, and our potential coalition partner Winston Peters' corruption allegations, we all need some distraction from the intensity that is New Zealand party politics.

Bearing that in mind, we at Lawrence Party NZ are beginning a fun discussion group on the Facebook page on the subject : "Should Lawrence Arabia adopt a less masculine look?"

Get involved, post your comments up on there, and check out the opinions of the rest of the Lawrence Party's Facebook friends. And while you're on the internet, why don't you visit our Flickr, Twitter, Digg and Bebo pages?

Lawrence – less John Key, more Fun-key.

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Lawrence Party willing to work with Winston

I note with some interest John Key's decision to rule out the possibility of working with Winston Peters. This is quite coincidental as I've just been musing today about not ruling out the possibility of working with Winston Peters. Projecting a few different scenarios come election time, it seems to me quite likely that in order to form a government, we will at least need the help of New Zealand First.

While some folks may see this as backing down on our policies, the more observant among you will have noticed that we don't have any policies.

This is therefore my solemn pledge: the Lawrence party will, by sometime next week have policies. In all my years in politics, I've found them to be pretty much essential to an election campaign, and 2008 will be no exception.